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Tina and
Lucille
In the Thelma
and Louise-inspired, surreal story,
Tina and
Lucille hit the road.
"Lucille,
don't look now, but there's a police car behind us." Lucille took a left
turn off an I-40 frontage road, cruising the gauntlet of apartments, duplexes,
and ranch-style homes. They viewed a perversion of nature: harsh desert
turned lush by extensive watering systems. Some homeowners simply rolled
out astroturf. Others landscaped with stone.
"Hey. I
wonder where these girls are headed? Maybe we should pull 'em over on a
pretense. Feel 'em out. Ask ‘em for their phone numbers! Ask 'em out for
drinks! Our shift's almost over you know."
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Bodies
of Water
Homicide
detectives Erica Strode and Nick Harris
investigate
a well-known New Orleans author.
My apartment
was near the river. I was between a liquor store and a voodoo supply. I
could conveniently shop the odd assortment of wines at Jimmy's or drop
in at Rita's for herbs, gris gris and candles. Local real estate could
be a mishmash of residential and commercial, eye candy and eyesore. Buildings
seemed slightly askew, threatening implosion, cartoon-like: from the inside,
seemingly spacious - from the outside, smallish, individual frontage mere
slits in the block. N'awlins was sinking. The delta was eroding. The buffer
zone was going. The big storm was coming.
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The
Road Killers
Culinary
bikers travel the American West.
The
Road Killers had a growing rep. They'd kicked a big bunch of ass at a bar
outside Tulsa. They'd been minding their own business, having a dance together
when the Okie opined on their colors. "'Waste not, want not'? What kinda
sissy shit is that? Y'all one a' them anti-litterin' groups?"
A melee
broke out, a mix master of pounding fists, cracking teeth, and cracking
heads.
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Cashmeres
Must Die
The Metzlers
liked hot dog casserole, The Twilight Zone,
plastic
on the furniture, and cashmere.
Stuart
Metzler sat in his 1959 Pontiac Chieftain on his Maple St. driveway. Mmm
. . . that new car smell. One day they’ll bottle and sell it. He pulled
a small memo pad and pen from a suit pocket and made a note. ’New car
smell — replicate and market!’ He took in the car’s interior. ‘Dashboard
needs more knobs! Bigger!’ he jotted. As a Strategy Formulation consultant,
he had diverse information and ideas but felt occasionally envious
as he watched clients succeed in their projects. He experienced random,
uncontrollable urges to lie, and enjoyed gauging reaction. Stuart anticipated
the day’s work, and wondered what his secretary Vicky would be wearing.
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Marilyn
An exuberant,
depressed Marilyn experiences
her last
summer.
"Oh,
I absolutely love negative ionization. It makes me high!” Marilyn squealed.
She wore a low-cut black silk dress and black heels. Her skin well took
the sun. The tip of her nose had been shortened and narrowed; concavity
below her cheekbones had been enhanced by the extraction of a few back
teeth. Short platinum blonde locks contrasted with tan skin, like vanilla
frosting on a caramel cake. The mole on the right side of her face seemed
an asymmetrical accent to her physical perfection.
“Marilyn,
darling, are you sure it’s not the margaritas?” laughed her small blonde
companion.
“Truman!”
“Would
you believe who’s here tonight? Am I hallucinating, or is that the president
of the United States standing near the buffet table?”
She laughed.
“Perhaps you ARE hallucinating."
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Screen
Play
A Southern
California screenwriter works and plays.
Under a
skylight I crawled on the hardwood floor and arranged three-by-five cards.
Breaking down a novel into key film scenes could be torture. How to effectively
condense, yet retain meaning? I agonized. Many screen treatments in any
case eventually suffered drastic re-writes; the further into the process
one got, the less original meaning likely remained, until a work could
appear unrecognizable. Casting-wise, Cate Blanchett and Jeremy Irons might
devolve into . . . who knew? I thought the first scene would be of protagonist
Claire giving direction on a film set. Scene two would begin a series of
flashbacks Claire in the early years, as continuity person and script supervisor
on various low-budget location films, including the comic relief of behind-the-scenes
on horror films. Relationships would be broken into love scenes, interspersed
with her industry climb and disappointments, climaxing in her Cannes win
for Sighs And Whispers. I gathered my three-by-five cards, mixed
them up, and threw them into the air. I spun and chanted as the cards fluttered
to the floor. Not bad! I thought of their re-ordering.
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Whitewood
A couple
vacations at a Louisiana bed and breakfast, encountering literary spirits.
A
dark man in a white linen suit, brown wingtips, and white Panama hat chain-smoked
Pall Malls, downed Wild Turkey and animatedly talked to a small blond man
seated opposite him.
"Just listen
to them go at it, would you? Their paroxysms of passion make me positively
dyspeptic. It's always the same, people from the other side inhabiting
our special places and invading our space. And entities capitalizing
on our names. The Southern Gothic. Indeed! How long have we been here now?
I wouldn't have predicted qualities of the afterlife. It takes a period
of adjustment. "
"I suppose.
I was here for weeks before I figured it out. I have difficulty keeping
track of things."
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A. F. Waddell
writes humor, erotica, crime, and road fiction - and has written stories
involving culinary bikers, Interior Design Chainsaw Killers, literary ghosts,
women on the road, New Orleans detectives, Marilyn & JFK, California
screenwriters, and nineteen-fifties culture parody. Works include the Thelma
and Louise parody "Tina and Lucille" in The
Mammoth Book of on the Road (Carroll
& Graf/Robinson); "Cashmeres Must Die" in Leather,
Lace and Lust (Berkeley Books) and The
Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, Vol. Four (Carroll & Graf);
"The Road Killers" in Foreign
Affairs: Erotic Travel Tales (Cleis Press); "Marilyn" in Wicked:
Sexy Tales of Legendary Lovers (Cleis Press); "Bodies of Water"
in Amazons:
Sexy
Tales of Strong Women (Thunders Mouth Press). The author is working
on a debut novel.
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Crime
Scene Investigation:
Malice
Station Needs Help
Goode
Medicine:
A
Sitcom You Likely Won't See
Fear
of the Bogeymen:
Internet!
Nudity! Pandemic!
More
. . .
Into
The Night
Zen
& The Art of Influenza
My
Phone Is Evil
You've
Got Red On You
Lives
of the Sixties and Seventies
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